So I went to Safeway and had to get some cereal. I made the biggest error in cereal purchases – never pick a cereal based on the cartoon character on the outside of the bag. Actually, the biggest error is to pick the cereal based on the toy inside. I don’t know how many weeks I ate Grape Nuts just for that collectible “Flex Me Faster Noid McFloid Belt Buckle.” Well, I made the second worst choice when I looked at that big-toothed, eye-popping crazy squirrel on the front of a cereal sack and thought, “Mmmboy…squirrel…hungry.” I thought that the comical outside said, “Delicious inside.” The taste says, “Squirrel feed inside.”
It’s so bad. It has the same look as Cap’n Crunch with Crunch Berries but with an interesting twist: it sucks. I don’t know if I will ever trust Safeway cereal again. The best part is that you get a lot of it, which is a good value. The bad thing (aside from flavor) is that it’s in a plastic bag, so when you pour it out, the thin plastic shell collapses under the pressure and it pours out about four inches too early and all over the counter, the floor, in your hair, behind the fridge, and then like two kernels roll into the bowl. They mock me. So really, you get a massive amount of cereal to compensate for how much you actually dump on the floor.
And I need to go to sleep because I swear I’m seeing things.