I’m having trouble separating fact from faux and whether or not I truly am trapped in a corner, shaking, sitting four feet away from a live cockroach. Hold on. [check] Yes, yes I am. That beast is going to eat my entire being, but before he does, I’d like to recall the last 12 hours that got me here. Reminisce with me, before I am slaughtered slowly by his massive brown tentacles.
In the coldness of semester end last year, I watched my scanner light move slowly, archiving my work to the digital realm – up and down…up and down. It was about 60 degrees in the house. I chattered along with the misaligned fan in my computer. I felt a bit like Bob Cratchit, warming my hands on an electronic candle, bundled up with a coat and cap (or beanie) because Scrooge was too cheap to pay for heat.
Once I had a rat named Kitty. I named her Kitty because, well, isn’t it just HILARIOUSLY ironic to name a rat Kitty? Seriously… Well, Kitty was a good pet for about five minutes. Then she crapped on my shirt. The crap wasn’t bad enough so she peed on the crap. After that, I was a little apprehensive about taking Kitty out to play. Sometimes Kitty got to smelling pretty bad and I’d give her little baths in the sink with Greg’s coconut Suave shampoo. I still remember the traumatizing sensation of her darling little claws rending flesh from bone…the […]
Last weekend I had the privilege of attending a Friday night fish fry down at the local Elk’s lodge. My dad, a fine gent, happens to be a member and he invited my aunt, uncle, my fianc頡nd me. Upon learning they had beer battered fish in any quantity a food-prone lad like myself could want, I acquiesced. Let’s just say it was everything I could want…and more. Jess and I pulled into the parking lot at about 5:45. I knew going in that this particular Elk’s lodge’s patronage was at a median age of 70 or so, but the full […]
“Ever wonder what it’s like to be a window washer?” “Not really…I mean, it’s certainly not the most glamorous of jobs.” “Well, when you think about it, it’s gotta be pretty trippy. I mean, there you are, sort of physically and emotionally standing outside of all kinds of daily situations. Sure, if you’re watching someone make out with their co-worker on the desk of their office you might start unconsciously wiping more seductively with your squeegee or something, but for the most part you should be able to remain outside and unaffected. Right? I mean, things would never get in […]
Author’s Warning: If you have respect for me, please stop reading. Now that I have the attention of 95% of the chimpsahoy.com readers, let me continue. I’ll set it out straight right now: I have strange fears. Not like arachnophobia or agoraphobia. I have weird fears like my inability to drive with the car doors locked (not unlocked, mind you) or my fear of the number five or things that come in fives (fingers freak my crap out – especially when there are five of them).
I had my daily dosage+ on DayQuil today. The side effects hit me in my Letterform class. I sat through an entire class, and I swear about four or five times someone in my group said, “What are you talking about?” or “I can’t hear you” (because I am mostly deaf). Someone was talking about their favorite movies, and I said, “Yeah, I carved pumpkins this weekend.” The guy was like, “Well that was random.” I guess I was thinking in my head: “Donnie Darko was a movie. I liked that movie. I watched it a couple times. But I […]
I just got up from a nap, so pardons all around if this isn’t very coherent. I’m still a little dazed from the whole napping experience. It didn’t help that I had some of the craziest dreams ever. They were very surreal, but I think I was the closest to lucidity in these dreams than I’ve ever been before. In the first one I was talking to someone of a different faith and then I started making very sound explanations of why a just God would allow pain and suffering. It’s odd because I’ve always had a hard time explaining […]