Hello beloved Chimpsahoy readers! I’m sure you have all been able to see that I’ve been conspicuously absent from the Chimpsahoy annals lately. I could make up a multitude of excuses, but mostly I’ve been locked in a brig for the last four months undergoing scourging at the hands of filthy pirates. Yes. Anyway, I escaped and now I have to do stuff like pay back taxes and water my azaleas. To fill in for me while I catch up on my unkempt life, I’ve called in my old friend Carl. He’s a dirty old man, but an experienced man, having been around the block a few hundred times, front ways and back. I thought that Chimpsahoy would be a good place for him to share his musings and un-wisdom with a host of generally young and naive readers. Without further ado…Carl:
I’m not really sure about this internet crap, but Steve assures me that he’ll take care of me. My plan is to just write my column down on discarded Hungry Man dinner boxes and drop ‘em by Steve’s house on my way to the plant. Anyhow, my deal on here is to take MY GENIUS and give it to you, STUPID. I don’t mean to sound harsh, but that’s really the slice of meat I’m willing to serve you and it’s delicious meat, so you should eat most of it, and maybe have some of the potatoes and gravy my aunt made, you ingrate. Sorry.
So my first topic (and I’ll tend to work off one specific topic at a time, because if I try to do too many things I forget my name). Carl. Right. So today’s topic is women. Don’t worry, ladies, there’ll be plenty for you to learn here, too. Either you can get a good look into the mind of a real MAN, or you can find where I’ve written “woman/lady/fox/chick” and replace it with “stud” and basically the same rules apply.
So boys, I bet you’re wonderin’ how it is that you even go about getting a lady to notice you’re alive, let alone that you’ve sprung for the expensive AXE body spray. Carl generally likes whistling as a way to get the ladies’ attention. If the lady is trying to “play it cool” by “hosing you in the face with pepper spray,” you can try something a little more complicated. Women are pretty much sexual creatures (even the nice looking librarian kinds who like reading stuff besides the directions on a washing machine). Situations like these might require the pelvic thrust, which is to real humping what air guitar is to mastery of the six-string. Take all the time you need to figure that out, but get it right and your choice philly will notice you right away.
“Now Carl,” I hear you saying, “once I get the lady to notice me, where do I go from there?” Well, now you have to get the lady to where she wants to be around you. Women like nothing more than cooking a big slab of meat for a man. It reminds them of the hunter/gatherer stuff…blah blah blah…cavemen doin’ it, etc, etc, etc. Starting yesterday, boys, you need to start carrying meat around with you. That’s right. Hike on down to Costco and get one of those bulk packs of steak. Go ahead and just shove that thing down the front of your pants and sashay right into Sonic or wherever it is that you meet ladies. They’ll be all over you because you SMELL LIKE SUCCESS. All you gotta do now is say, “Hey baby, the Foreman’s in my trunk. Do you wanna take your Cherry Limeade over to my pad for a beef-strava-ganza?”
They’ll melt for you.
That’s all I got for today. If you have any questions about this or any suggestions about what you’d like me to write about for next time, please email me at firstname.lastname@example.org. I don’t know what that means, but give it a shot. If that doesn’t work, you can find me at the gym or downtown outside Nasty’s. Later.