Living with four other people creates awkward pooping situations. That shouldn’t be surprising; undoubtedly cavemen dispersed miles apart to pass their digested mammoth ribs and from there hence, people have desired to make waste far from others. People also prefer to poop away from where they live and work. This is why there are not toilets in the middle of living rooms (even though that would be the greatest thing ever for single people). But I digress?
Last night I had a grave dilemma. There are two bathrooms in our house. One is in the bedroom I share with Greg and Sonath. The other belongs to the other two roommates, Ryan and Dave. Now I was brewing a real sea bass in my lower intestine and here’s where the quandary manifested itself: either I could poo in my bathroom where two people were sleeping, for crying out loud, or I could expel in the bathroom belonging to two very awake people who might need to brush their teeth soon. Of course everyone knows that in a roommate situation, it is good etiquette not to take enormous, Taco Bell dumps in another person’s bathroom (it’s where they brush their teeth for crying out loud!).
I of course opted to relieve myself in my bathroom, braving a chronically restless Greg (Sonath could probably sleep through two poops). Attempting stealth, I tiptoed into the room and didn’t turn on the bathroom light until the door was shut (always a little scary because of childhood memories of Bloody Mary). Without turning on the fan, I dropped trou and began my task. It was so boring! I hope this concept isn’t completely foreign to most people, but I need something to do on the can. Whether it be the latest issue of PC Gamer, Guns and Ammo (kidding), or an engaging work of fiction, reading material is essential?something to divert the mind from an unsavory task. I didn’t even have the soothing hum of the ventilation fan. All I had to entertain myself were the tepid descriptions of texture results on the back of Greg’s hair products. Time passed slowly. At one point, the pads on the shoddy toilet seat slipped off to the side of the bowl and created a loud bang as the seat slammed into the porcelain. I let out a stunted “Eep!” I would have crapped my pants if I wasn’t, well…
Lessons learned: I need to either dig a pit latrine in the back yard or subscribe to Field and Stream. Thank you.