With each passing day, I become more painfully aware of an ongoing battle. The battle, unlike most epic struggles, is between two people I know very well. Evil Morning Steve and Vengeful Normal Steve. Evil Morning Steve is devious in his ploys. Some mornings he will play horrible tricks on Normal Steve by shutting off his alarm without telling him so that he’s late for class. Occasionally he’ll betray precious Steve secrets by talking in his sleep. He even says ridiculous things to people on the phone. A conversation one morning between Jessica, Steve’s fianc鬠and Evil Morning Steve:
Jessica: “There’s some important stuff we need to talk about. Are you awake enough to deal with this?”
Jessica: “(important relationship discussion, pouring out of heart). What do you think?”
EMS: “Raking spatula norberg. I salted my cabbage in an overly aggressive way, causing Spork. Would you like me to portray your salami? Fortuitous salutations!”
Jessica: “I’m going to talk to you later, crack head.”
EMS: “Thank you…sleep is all that is important. Also, enchiladas.”
Jessica: “What have you done to my fianc鿢
EMS: “They all float down here.”
Evil morning Steve will sacrifice the most beloved of relationships, all for the sake of five to ten minutes of extra sleep. Normal Steve, who is writing this right now, has tried so many different things to avert the gremlin-esque malevolence of his alter ego. Such cunning trickery as moving the alarm clock out of immediate reach has proven useless. Roommates cannot be depended on because they too have evil morning personas that would just as soon hurl deadly meat cleavers at me when my alarm goes off for five minutes as gently prod me into consciousness each morning.
Guess I better look into that lobotomy.