I fancy myself a man who has progressed beyond the Cro-Magnon stage of evolution. I like to think that when presented with a situation where fisticuffs seem inevitable, I use my razor-sharp Oscar Wilde-esque wit to save me from doom (in actuality, the best I can muster is an incapacitating poop joke, but it’s getting there).
Despite my occasional love for Bruce Lee movies and passionate affair with violent video games, I’m slightly embarrassed by violence. I have a friend who would just as soon flip you over his shoulder while in line for a movie than say hello…it shames me. Nothing elicits more spite from me than resorting to physical violence when you’ve been “had” in a war of words. Don’t get me wrong; I’m no more the good guy than anyone else. My rampant and often inappropriate tongue get me in more trouble than any amount of brawling could. Case in point today:
I was verbally provoking Brad, I admit it. Brad, upon reaching the breaking point, chased me into the kitchen (I barely two steps ahead of him, wailing like a banshee…or ten-year-old girl). I opened the door of the fridge and hid behind it as he began punching me repeatedly in the arm. I think now is the time to mention that I was holding a banana. Yes, the fruit. I couldn’t really think of anything to save myself from the wrath of Brad so I thought I would catch him off guard with the most wildly absurd maneuver known to man. I shoved the banana into his face.
This caused Brad, the raging beast that he was, to stop and ponder. I theorize what went through his mind:
What was that? That was completely ridiculous. Who smashes fruit into someone’s face? What trickery does Steve have planned after this unlikely assault? Could he be hoping to entice me to ponder the absurdity of physical violence as a solution? Perhaps the banana in the face represents all the folly of man. Wait…maybe while I’m thinking about these philosophical issues, he’ll be stealthily sneaking away or stealthily finding a big stick to break over my head. This angers me!
Brad continued to hit me and I was forced to smash the remainder of my banana into his eyeglasses. This seemed to satisfy the beast and the situation was brought to a close.
Then I ate the rest of my banana.