Diary Entry #2243AX-5
Friday, November 26, 2004
5:10am | My Bed | Consciousness: 20% | Attitude: Highly Unstimulated and Angry
My alarm went off, blaring a mix of El Soundtrack de Humbertos and Today’s Hottest Rap & Hip Hop because I’ve managed to position my dial halfway between both stations.
It took me a moment to figure out why my alarm was going off before the sun was on. “Black Friday,” I finally concluded. “In a mere 50 minutes people will be pouring through the Comp Usa doors trying to jack my Geforce 6800, $100 savings TWO DAYS ONLY.”
I grabbed the shopping clothes I set out the night before. Yes, I picked my clothes out the night before mostly because at 5:10 I can barely urinate into the toilet, let alone find the toilet and discern it from the bathtub or my hat, let alone put on strategy clothes. I slapped on low-profile clothes: jeans, gray shirt, jacket, cap, and my Pumas (I figured I needed these for their phenomenal traction, handling and ass-kicking abilities in case anyone got out of control and grabbed the last 6800).
There is a strategy to picking a Black Friday outfit. You can’t dress like a computer nerd or people will think that you are after the primo computer parts (i.e. hard drives, video cards, burners, etc). You can’t dress like a dad because people will think you are after xBoxes, tvs and violent video games full of sexual stereotypes. No, I went incognito. “Nothing to fear here, folks. I’m looking for that crap you aren’t interested in on page three.” Yeah, suckers, I woke up at 5am to save $1.29 on photo paper and floppy disks.
I walked out of my house and my dad gave the look of a man who hasn’t seen his unindustrious son pre-9am since the days of infancy, when I used to crap in my pants and transform into a 3:30am alarm clock.
5:25am | Starbucks | Consciousness: 25% | Attitude: Highly Unsafe Behind the Wheel
I fueled up with a Grande Mild and a banana cake from Starbucks. It was at this point that I realized, “I look like a metrosexual caveman. And I didn’t shower today.” Apparently, 5:25am is Hot Chick Time at Starbucks. I passed up the opportunity to use my sweet new Internet pick-up lines because of time constraints. Who am I kidding, we all know it was because of my face constraints.
5:50am | CompUsa | Consciousness: 33% | Attitude: Highly Unable to Park My Car Straight Because I’m So Excited About Deals
I arrived promptly at CompUsa averaging 90mph over all freeways and old ladies in crosswalks. I jumped out of my car, spilled my coffee on myself, swore, and then fast walked it to the LONGEST LINE I’VE EVER SEEN BEFORE 6:00am. It was ridiculous. As I got near the end of the line, a clearly identifiable computer nerd was fast walking faster than me and got one spot in line in front of me. He nervously chuckled and made sufficiently unfunny jokes to try to ease the tension of stealing my spot in line. I began stretching my legs in case I needed to plant a PUMA logo on his genitals.
Seconds after, someone’s mom came up behind me. “Video games for her bastard kids,” I thought. Sure enough, she was waiting for an Xbox. Some old guy came up last and I was sure he didn’t know what a video card was. He certainly couldn’t handle the mind-blowing graphics of a GeForce 6800, and if he did, I was certain his heart would give out if he grabbed the box and twitched from the surge of 128mb of 700MHz DDR Ram, like a man urinating on an electric fence.
“Now, if the 60 people in front of me don’t buy one of the ’3 per store’ I should be ok.”
At 6:00am sharp the line started to slither towards the store. We kept some level of order. The xBox lady was in my peripheral, which was getting me uneasy, but I kept it under control, like Dale Earnhardt in every race except that one where he drove into the wall.
Once breaking through the double-doors pandemonium broke lose. Silly computer nerd took the wrong move. “What? Looking for something in particular? Should have plotted this out before hand.” To buy some time I yelled, “Free gigahertz in the back” and edged past him, still blindly moving through the store, and ran across my aisle. Every freakin’ video card box looks the same, but I found El Voluptuous 6800, took it up to the counter, and was out of the store by 6:10am.
6:15am | Staples | Consciousness: 60% | Attitude: Highly Excited About My Hot New Video Card
I jumped in my car and drove 10 yards to Staples. I didn’t realize it was right next door. The line inside was visible from the parking lot. I walked around an abnormally active Staples looking for an ad and a gift. I can’t say what the gift is because the person may be one of our five readers. And that narrows it down to three people that I would actually buy a gift for. So you know who you are, and please calm down because I know you are excited about a Christmas gift from an office supply superstore.
Staples was a big turd, and I left without anything. I spent more time in this store waiting for some chick to order a stupid chair from a red-shirted man who needed to help ME, because chairs are everyday, but freakin’ Office Supply Christmas gifts are once in a lifetime.
6:30am | JCPenney | Consciousness: 70% | Attitude: Bummed that I Couldn’t Feed My Consumer Whore Needs
I can’t discuss JCPenney’s in detail because one of the three gift-eligible people may be reading this.
JCPenney’s was a great experience. Quick parking, empty store, and I was one of the first 100 or 500 or something customers. This guy in street clothes who looked like Jaleel White (more Stephan than Steve) slipped me a Mickey Snow Globe as I walked in. “Great regift idea for that person I barely know that likes Mickey,” I thought.
Stephan Jaleel White was nice but inadvertently unhelpful, directing me to the completely wrong side of the store on the only shopping day in the year where time matters. I meandered around the store and located what I needed still in stock: something too big for a man holding a cup of coffee. I had to ditch the Grande Mild and picked up another package. I was 2 for 3 on the day.
6:50am | Staples | Consciousness: 83% | Attitude: Highly Singing Terribly to Songs on the Radio
Using 100% of my 83% consciousness, I decided that a Staples located far from a major shopping mall might have what I needed. Low and behold, I found a Staples in the middle of nowhere with no one in line. I walked in, requested my desired item, and the red-shirted man says, “Looks like you got the last one.” I called my mom I was so excited. As I’m dialing the phone, another guy walks by and asks for the same thing. “Sorry, we just sold the last one.” I felt terrible because he had arrived for me, but had wasted time looking for the same thing. So, I called him over, handed him the box, but quickly pulled it back and started pelvic thrusting while saying, “Oh yeah! Oh yeah! Who’s your daddy…”
7:45am | Home | Consciousness: 73% | Attitude: Exhausted
On the day, I pulled in some good deals. Here’s a breakdown of what I spent with the savings-
Retail Price: $692
What I spent: $298 + a free Mickey globe
Black Friday is a great way to finish off a Thanksgiving holiday. Nothing like gorging ourselves to celebrate those few moments we shared with Native Americans, before screwing them over and taking their land in exchange for blankets with small pox. It only seems appropriate the day after to celebrate it with American consumerism and Crock Pots brawls at Walmart.