Soon I will be known only as a food assailant or a grocery ruffian. That’s right, my stories of victimizing Brad with food have not come to an end. Today, however, I changed up my tactics a bit. Whereas yesterday’s banana assault would be analogous to open, armed conflict, today’s event is more like a food cold war. Allow me to explain.
As many of you know because of the high amount of publicity surrounding the chimp or chump challenge, Brad is trying to get fat. Further, Brad is trying to get fat for fifty bucks. I think that’s funny so I always try to help the kid out…not so much because I want him to win but more because I want to remind my previously obese self that gluttony is a horrible thing.
When Brad and I made the weekly trek to Safeway Tuesday, I coerced him into purchasing a whole roll of pre-made cookie dough. Through some twisted psychological propaganda, I actually got him to believe that eating this in one sitting (all 2500 calories of it) was a brilliant idea. Today my subtle trickery came to fruition.
First I acted like I was doing Brad a favor. “Brad, you should eat this cookie dough today. I’ll even open it and bring it over to you.” He of course agreed, like the weak-willed pawn that I have made him over these last few months. As he peeled the wrapper down to expose the gooey conglomeration of chocolate chips, butter, eggs, flour, sugar, and artificial preservatives, I continued to encourage him. “Go ahead, Brad. Put it in your mouth. It’ll be delicious. I wish that I could eat a lot of delicious cookie dough just like you’re doing.” Oh boy did he buy it.
As he put the log of sweet, sweet, sugar-lard in his mouth I chuckled to myself. He ate about half of it and as soon as I’m done writing this, I’m going to head over and poke him with a stick to make sure he’s still alive. I think I heard him moaning…he’s not in good shape.
I’ll make it up to him by letting him borrow my old, really huge pants.