I don’t know what it is, but it seems like lately I haven’t been able to come up with satisfactory topics for posting. I mean, really, what is going on here? It seems like last semester something absurd would happen every single day. I couldn’t turn my head without witnessing some sort of shenanigan at the apartment, a spectacular biff at school, or a hilarious domestic disturbance at the neighbors.
Either the world has started be a much less funny place or I’ve become the pre-eminent straightman in the state of Arizona. I fear that potential comic gold blossoms all around me but I can’t see it. What happened to the days when I could cleverly ramble for a thousand words about the old lady who asked me to get juice off a high shelf for her at the grocery store? Maybe it’s just that I’ve lost my stomach for making up wild lies about everyday happenings? Let me try, for old time?s sake:
Today I went to the grocery store with Brad. As we perused the cereal/juice aisle, a kindly senior citizen flagged me down. She pointed out that, because she was hunched and withered with age, hopelessly compacted by gravitational forces, she could not reach the mango juice; without mango juice, she couldn’t, well, drink mango juice and that would be calamitous.
While I examined can after can looking for the right brand sans dents, my new aged friend fumbled with her oxygen tank. Due to her lack of dexterity, the tank slipped her grasp and plummeted to the floor. Upon contact, the seal popped off and compressed air caused the tank to fire missle-esque straight at Brad’s fifteen-year-old, sweet-cheeked face. Distracted by the abundance of scantily clad college women scoping the Lucky Charms, Brad was unable to dodge the projectile and it clocked him soundly in gourd.
Stunned by the unconscious schoolboy at her feet and surprisingly quick to action, the old woman threw off her purse and dove to the ground. As she cradled Brad’s unconscious frame, she shot me a determined glance and reassured me saying, “In the thirties, I used to be a lifeguard!” Without remembering that she had the lung capacity of a chain-smoking squirrel, she proceeded to administer mouth-to-mouth resuscitation. Before losing consciousness herself, she managed to wheeze her dentures loose and they slid into Brad’s open maw.
BOY, IT WAS SOMETHIN’ TO SEE!
Wow…there’s a reason I quit making stuff up.