Our bathroom light is broken. If it was the light bulb, I think I could change it by myself. But I’m sure the problem lies somewhere in the switch mechanism. It’s limp and jiggly. I even screwed the cover off the light switch. It’s still jiggly without the cover on.
We have a landlord and while he fixes all the stuff we break and even the stuff that isn’t broken, it’s intimidating to contact him. Every time we do it, he sends the same Johnny Fixit. And whenever he shows up, I’m the guy that answers the door. “So you’re the meathead who breaks stuff. I could be watching the 5th Wheel right now.” For a few moments, he gathers his thoughts wondering how I managed to dismantle/smash something, even though I’ve only broken one thing at our house. The last time we called him out it was to fix the “leaky toilet” which ended up being an open shower curtain. Yet again, the second time he came to fix the toilet leak it was the shower curtain. This was not my fault. I know he blames me though.
Let me tell you about the item that I helped break. I was taking a shower and the handle just broke off in my hand. It was the mental equivalent of the airbag firing when you put a Britney CD in. Crap like that doesn’t happen. I just stood there naked with soap in my eyes trying to shut off the shower I had managed to leave somewhere between “H” and “Satan.” I tried to get the soap out of my eyes, but eventually, just gave up. I ran out soaking wet and partially cremated. I grabbed my toolbox, a leatherette case with a level, electrical tape and a wrench, and endured the steam to shut the thing off and salvaged about three pints of warm water. I examined the remnant shower crank and figured that a little bit of glue would fix it. However, the quicker fix was an old crescent wrench. We used that old wrench to operate the shower for a while. It was a crude concoction, but if you learned the idiosyncrasies, it would treat you like a good woman. Well, that was until a poor unsuspecting houseguest of ours took a shower and couldn’t figure out how to shut it off. He cranked the remains of a handle too hard and all I heard was metal hit the floor. Uncontrolled hot water sprayed full blast until I smashed it close with a screwdriver. Jimmy Fixit came out the next week.
Inevitably, of course, I was there when he came to repair the handle. He never calls; he just shows up. Jay Fixstuff is an interesting character: he’s a half foot shorter than everyone, has a chronic sniffle, and is always about a day and a half overdue for a bath. He rang the doorbell, and unfortunately, his timing was not good. I was in the middle of making an overdue payment to Tempe sewage. It was a ripe deposit complete with an advance for the next pay period, and as he waited, I quickly sealed, stamped, and mailed the package in time to open the door and see it was none other than Joey Fixall. I was a bit flustered when he said, “I’m here to fix the shower.” I replied, “Uh, yeah. Back here.” I pointed into the bathroom and tried to pretend that it didn’t smell like month-old broccoli and eggs. “Yup, there it is. The handle just fell off!” And by fell off, I mean that we neglected it for three months and then it surrendered to a solid heave from a crescent wrench. I scurried away to the safety of the other room.
About a minute later he walks to the front door and says, “I’m going to need to order a part. (sniff) I’ll be back in a few days,” which really meant, “Dude it smells like broccoli and eggs, I hate my job.”
So one might understand my need to avoid the repairman. Not only does he think I’m an idiot, I’m a sadistic idiot. I did my best to fix the current light switch problem, even considering replacing it with my roommate?s non-jiggly one. But the whole process would require a screwdriver and possibly shutting off the power to the bathroom so I don’t jam the metal thing in the wire stuff and die. In the meantime, we have a floor lamp in the bathroom.
So who broke the light switch? Sonath. I know he did, because he was standing right next to me when it happened. My theory on the situation – he was playing “Strobe Light Dance-and-Slap” in the bathroom and flipped the switch too hard. He just waited for me to come in and try the switch. The moment I do, he’s standing there to say, “What’d you do?”