I hate to say this considering my fiance is going to be a personal trainer, but fitness sucks. In what other activity do you spend a couple hours doing what amounts to hard manual labor and then reap the fantastic reward of two days worth of excuciating soreness? I understand that if you “get in shape” this “won’t be a problem anymore” but let’s be reasonable; the chance that I’ll keep up with a workout routine that long is about as big as Gary Coleman’s “penis.”
There is also the problem that everything in the world that is remotely delicious seems to be absolutely horrible for you. Corn dogs? 18 grams of fat. Lard? Here comes acne. Human heads? Get ready to be a prisoner for a long time or at least a social pariah. Of course soda is off limits. Even if you get past the fact that you’ll need new teeth by the tender age of 25, there is still 140 calories per can. I thought I would be ok with diet soda, but apparently if you consume enough nutrasweet you’ll grow a malignant second head that shouts profanity at awkward moments. You can’t win.
Of course there are alternative methods of weight loss. They have come a long way with gastric bypass and you can always ingest a bevy of helpful parasites, like tapeworms. Also, who hasn’t thought about hacking off a limb to shed enough pounds for swimsuit season? A week long drug binge has been known to knock off a couple pounds. These are options we should explore before we resort to rice cakes and pastry deprivation.