I’m using this new toothpaste called “Simply White.” Crest has created toothpaste technology to whiten your teeth in 14 days. Don’t be fooled by the competitor’s strap-on tooth caddies, Crest Simply White squeezes out two colors of teeth whitening jelly, one blue and one white. Word on the street is that the strap-on caddy tastes like camel meat and makes your teeth feel slimy afterwards. Don’t get me wrong… the strip system is effective. Heck, Steve used it and it took off at least 14 years of coffee stains, magic marker, and tar from his teeth. Or at least it bleached the stains, and that’s the problem I have with the strip system. I have the deepest confidence that Crest “Simply White” scrubs those stains away and doesn’t park a couch over the wine stain, if you pardon my analogy.
Enough of my glorious reviews of this two-gelled toothpaste. I still haven’t quite figured out which of the two gels does the magic. I assume the blue gel does the whitening, because that’s always the way it works. You’d think, “White gel makes my teeth white,” but you’d be wrong, because all toothpastes are white and you are dumb. The blue just looks futuristic, like a Pixar CG rendering of what toothpaste should look like. As you squeeze it out onto your toothbrush you quiver at the thought that this will soon be in your mouth Smurfing the hell out of your teeth.
Honestly, I do have a few problems with this toothpaste. Aside from the price, the gels always manage to come out with one hideously overpowering the other. Every time I brush my teeth with this crap, about 90% of it is blue gel and 10% is the white stuff. I fear two things:
-If the blue gel truly harnesses whitening power, my teeth will weaken under the unholy amount of whitening power, causing my tooth enamel to burn off. Or I will have teeth so white that people will know I am cheating Mother Nature with fake whiteness.
-Simultaneously at the same time, if the white gel contains cavity-fighting power, I’m protecting my teeth from germs with the military strength of Cambodia.
Another problem I have with this toothpaste is the flavor. I must admit, if the toothpaste experience isn’t like licking a Lucifer Popsicle, then the public does not want any part of it. As support, look to the unheard of customer response to Listerine, baking soda and vinegar toothpaste, and dental exams. Mouth pain = good clean teeth. “Mom, the Listerine burned my gum line up three millimeters! I killed all those buggers! My baby teeth fell out!” Or, “Please, dental assistant, scrap metal against my teeth more, I love the clean feeling when you slip into my gums with your Captain Hook tools! Afterwards, can I rinse with more baking soda?”
Simply White tastes like body surfing in Hawaii with your mouth open, and that’s how you know it’s working.