I’m a recent convert to the world of diet soda. Either I’ve acquired the taste or aspartame has numbed my taste buds to the point of uselessness (my taste buds recently filed for disability). Any way you slice it, I’m a lover of the diet soda, especially Diet Dr. Pepper.
My love of Diet Dr. Pepper is so great that I’ve given it a playful nickname. In a move that would make Snoop Dogg set down his doobage and exclaim, “DAMN!? I began referring to the Pepper as “Docta Pizzle.” Fo sheezy, Docta Pizzle is definitely off the heezy and up in this hizzle.
These recent developments are definitely much to the chagrin of my beloved fiance. For some reason, she maintains a fiery and passionate hatred for all diet sodas. She has not disclosed why, but I suspect that it’s because Diet Dr. Pepper ran over her puppy when she was a child. Regardless, each time I tip back a fizzing, ice-cold glass of Docta Pizzle, she gasps and swears that something bad will happen to me.
It started out that Diet Dr. Pepper would mysteriously cause me to gain weight. I countered this with the logical assertion that it has ZERO calories and fat grams. How could it possibly harm my Olympian physique? Rebuffed, she retreated to the drawing board. Lately she has begun to assert that Nutrasweet is carcinogenic, sure to cause my body to break out into a host of malignant tumors. What could be next?
“Baby, I was down at the Diet Dr. Pepper plant today and I saw Ron Jeremy taking a bath in one of the vats.”
“I read an interesting report in USA Today. Apparently drinking Diet Dr. Pepper has the same effect on genitalia as castration by car door. Also, 80% of Diet Dr. Pepper drinkers look stupid in the shirt you?re wearing.”
“Steve, you’re getting uglier. I think it’s the Diet Dr. Pepper.”
“I heard that Diet Dr. Pepper is made of babies. Do you hate babies?”
Lies, all lies! I don’t care what you say, Jess. Diet Dr. Pepper and I are in love. I love you Docta Pizzle! No one can come between us! Ever!