$14.99 can buy a lot these days. I could get a decent steak dinner at the Outback. 20 redbulls can be had for that price. It could buy the newest Kelly Clarkson album and a pack of gum. You could get one sleeve of a Lacoste shirt. Or landscaping for three hours. All of which would have been more enjoyable than my order of Valley Schwag.
But I had to do it. It was the Internet grab bag! At the same time, I called it beforehand and said this was a waste of money. I’m not proud of that prediction.
But I’ve never bought a grab bag!
I had high hopes after seeing the initial orders of the Schwag. Sweet t-shirts and stickers and buttons and pens. I don’t like stickers, but they were suddenly very necessary. Unfortunately, I wasn’t the only one who got excited about this whole thing. VS saw a huge increase in subscribers last month, which I started to fear would result in a larger pool of people stealing my free pay stuff. Valley Schwag delivered. They delivered a large package of disappointment. Come, join me on the package opening. Get excited like I did, then hear the laughter of some Internet goons running off with my money:
I’m sure you thought “Jackpot” when you saw that RubyRed Labs “Fresh” shirt. Then I realized the shirt was the same quality as tracing paper. My theory: Valley Schwag (ran by RubyRed Labs) panicked when they saw such an increase in customers and printed up a bunch of these cheap shirts. I also got two stickers from the same company (four stickers total) and two buttons. Plus I got this game that requires THINKING. LISTEN MAN: I JUST WANT TO ROLL MINDLESSLY IN FREE STUFF THAT IS SWEET. Where are the pens and booth babes! Dogster pin-on buttons? Catster? WTF CRAP! What the Fricking Crap! (New internet acronymn for sure to be spawned by all Valley Schwag customers). What a small crapload of stupid stupid crap. CRAP!
My only hope is that I stab myself with the Catster button and can sue for $14.99 or more in damages. Possibly double that if I stab a major organ like an eye or nipple.
To compound everything, this package came in over the weekend while I was in California. The subscription automatically renewed for next month! Also, my helpful reminder to cancel Amazon Prime went unnoticed while I was gone. I don’t want to second-day air everything for the next year and pay for it! The three-month trial for free was enough!
My luck has run out. Or it’s another payment into the system.