Saturday our house was host to a wild and raging party. I’m sure there are lots of stories of mystery and excitement to be told (like someone needs to explain how Cold Stone got coated in candle wax and why someone drew a hoohoo on our wall), but I’m going to explain how I got coated in frosting and meat product. Strange as all this sounds, we weren’t filming an episode of “Too Hot for the Food Network.”
I thought that a surprise party would be a good excuse to “put on my party outfit”, so to speak. So, I died my hair black with a temporary dye. The result was, uh, different. However, whilst helping with food for the several partygoers, the heat built up and the temp dye started to run down my face with the pouring sweat. I took a quick shower, and after being out for only about 30 minutes, I was in quite a situation: a deadlock with Robert; turkey SPAM in his right hand and frosted carrot cake in mine. Rob was joking around with the SPAM (I think he sensually rubbed Steve with it, quite frightening in fact), but I grabbed a handful of cake just in case. He looked threatening, neither man moved. His eyebrow perched maniacally; I let out a nervous chuckle. And then it happened. He clubbed me with canned meat like a baby seal*, and I swung an open fist of cake at his face and missed. A semi-disturbing brawl ensued. The floor was greased, and we were slightly inebriated. It was like a Special Ed ice skating competition, only with more meat and less intelligence. Amidst the chaos, Peter entered the picture and in an act of poor sportsmanship, picked me out of the fight and smashed a good amount of carrot cake into my face. The fight calmed down, Robert picked up his broken glasses, I tried for a few cheap shots, and then looked at the floor. I tried to figure out a way to get out of cleaning it, but I think the guilt of Peter’s cheap shot overcame him. He volunteered to clean it up.
At the end of the fight, this was the result. I hosed off, jumped in the pool, and considered yet another shower. But I didn’t want to take three showers in a day. I figured chlorine=antibacterial soap=clean smell. This was not a good idea.
When I finally went to sleep, I woke up at 3am, and I couldn’t figure out what smelled so bad about my pillow. I had just washed the sheets that day. I assumed it was the many people who decided to hang out in the room. Maybe it was someone’s nasty sweat. But it wasn’t. In the morning, I got out of the shower and used a Q-Tip to empty the water from my ears. The Q-Tip came out red. I thought I was bleeding, but upon closer inspection, my ear was just full of cake frosting. My other ear, the source of the bad smell, had SPAM in it.
*Chimps Ahoy is always pushing the bounds of the English language.