I need a vacation to recover from my trip down to Mexico. I slept little, partied hard, and steered my Shredded Diet aground.
I’ll back this up a bit to explain the Shredded Diet. A few weeks ago I signed up for a free one-week membership to Pure Fitness to abort the rising bun in the oven. The bun isn’t so much in the oven but escaping over the sides of my jeans. Being 160lbs and 6′, it’s easy to notice the slightest additional 10lbs of fat. While signing up at the gym, the Ferociously Muscular Black Man Who Could Smash Me With his Hand fat tested me. You may recognize him by the biceps slip ‘n’ sliding out of his shirt sleeves like a wet bar of soap. Maybe when you are in the area you can stop by, say ‘hello’, and ask him to make you feel terrible about yourself. He pulled out his fat pinching tongs and squeezed my triceps and then my biceps. I wasn’t even flexing and that tool couldn’t grip anything! Me: 2. Tongs: 0. Then he lifted up the side of my shirt and those tongs gripped a fistful of love handle.
“This is where most of your fat is.”
Thanks! I didn’t know that! Clearly I couldn’t tell when you squeezed my sides into your depressing fat device. Or that my power house feels more like a fun factory these days. He took me back to his half-cubicle and got out a calculator and a pen. The pen served no function aside from drawing arrows that served no purpose.
“You are at 16% body fat. This is in the ‘Good’ category. If you want to be in the ‘Excellent’ category, you should be between 10% and 14%. But if you wanted to be ‘Shredded’, you gotta be at 6%. Now what do you want to be?”
The question hung in the air. I know he delivered that line thousands of times before, but to me, it was shiny and clean. The answer was simple, but I unconfidently replied, “Uh… shredded?”
“That’s what I thought. In four months, you will be shredded.” He drew something with his pen. It was an arrow pointing into the white space of the page. Then he drew the number 6.
He shared some figures and facts about getting shredded and explained how ‘Today Only’ I could save 50% off the signup fee and only drop $200 to start. He drew more arrows than Legolas at Helms Deep. I pretended like I was blown away by his sales pitch and confusing diagrams. I did a double-take when he picked up his laminated sales paper. I said I’d think about it. I stood up, shook his hand and said, “I’ll see you tomorrow bright and early.” But I wouldn’t see him tomorrow, or the next day, or for the remainder of my free one-week pass. We pretended to be buddies, but really, he had violated my personal fat space and wanted to charge me an unrealistic amount of money to take it away.
I had decided early on that I wouldn’t be joining Pure Fitness. Walking into the gym reminded me that I hate gyms. They are the grown up version of high school. There are jocks and cheerleaders everywhere, and I’m still the skinny nerd. Only here, I can’t beat the jocks and cheerleaders in 6th period with my outstanding Algebra test scores. This is the house of vain, and I didn’t feel like paying $200 to feel self-conscious.
So I started my home version of the Shredded Diet. It pretty much involves salads, oatmeal, no beer, this rubber stretchy cord thing, and feeling disappointed in yourself all of the time. I invented this diet. It will be the next Atkins and South Beach. Soon all of your friends will join up on the diet that has rendered no visible results aside from these purple rubber cords I constantly have to step over when I leave my bedroom.
Then again, I’ve only been faithful for two weeks to the diet. That is, until I went to Mexico. More on that later.