Author’s Warning: If you have respect for me, please stop reading.
Now that I have the attention of 95% of the chimpsahoy.com readers, let me continue. I’ll set it out straight right now: I have strange fears. Not like arachnophobia or agoraphobia. I have weird fears like my inability to drive with the car doors locked (not unlocked, mind you) or my fear of the number five or things that come in fives (fingers freak my crap out – especially when there are five of them).
Well, maybe not the five thing, but the car doors being locked is big business for me. Think about it. If you get in a car accident while driving, get knocked unconscious and start bleeding from the head, and your doors are locked, say goodbye. Aint nobody gonna pull you out unless you get a locksmith. Or a hammer to break your window. But who brings a hammer with them? That’s ridiculous. You’re stuck, dying, and no one can help you. Shouldn’t have locked your doors, Bozo.
Anyway, my other strange fear is going to the bathroom next to a closed shower curtain. Not a see-thru curtain, but one that people can hide behind and jump out from after I’ve unleashed the beast. When I was a younger, I hated going over to my aunt and uncle’s house because they always kept their jungle-themed shower curtain closed. Always. And every time I went to use the bathroom, I’d have to look behind it to foil the “midstream mischief” of any jungle-themed George looking to swing on my vine.
I’ve grown up since then. I can’t even remember the last time I pulled back the curtain. Sometimes though, I catch myself leering around the edge of a partially open curtain. Friday, I went to a friend’s house, and while it could have been the DayQuil I was on, it was perhaps the strongest urge I’ve ever had to pull back the curtain since my childhood. I lifted up my hand, but pulled back quickly. I thought, “I’m above this.” So, I continued my business slightly paranoid, and nothing happened. While I still don’t know if anyone was behind that curtain, I stood ten feet tall when I left that bathroom. It’s small steps like this that are helping me to live a normal life.